My turbocharged first born, the new Audi TT.

Audi’s new fantastic little TT.

So I’ve decided I don’t want any children. Children can be cute, their laughter can bring great joy to you and those terrible drawings you stick on the fridge do instil some sort of pride in you as a parent. There are many benefits of having children but there are downsides too. Loud screams, snotty noses and temper tantrums being some of them. Did I mention the endless fatigue that comes with children? Even when they get slightly older, you always have to answer questions, play a game or solve a squabble, assuming you have more than one child. Weighing the pros and the cons, the cons seem to outweigh the pros. Bachelor life on the other hand is more simple. I enjoy more silence, I can read a book undisturbed, I can sleep in knowing my hunger is the only hunger that is important and the thing I love the most, is that I can spoil myself.

“What a selfish man” you must be thinking whilst reading this. I know I seem like somewhat of a stuck-up conceited person by saying all of this, but my reasons are valid, let me tell you why. See I like toys, gadgets and gizmos, I have since I was a little boy. As a grown man I’m no longer satisfied with a set of “hot wheels” unfortunately. I need a little more stimulation and I think I’ve found it. That stimulation has come in the form of a car, a small car which won’t allow me to have children. I’m talking about the new Audi TT, a car I wish Audi hadn’t lent me. Now that I’ve driven this car, I’ve had to alter my life goals. Firstly before I get into this, the answer to your question is yes and then no. Yes I can fit two very small children in the back of the TT but when they turn five years old, the answer turns into “no I can’t fit children in the back of the TT.”

Now that we have that out the way, let’s talk more about the predicament that I was put in. Did I mention that I like gadgets? Well the new Audi TT has many of them. The dash is fully computerised to begin with, which is very cool. I can also set up the car however I want. I want a quiet comfortable car? I press a button. I want an economical car? I press a button. I’m late for a meeting and I want a car that will get me there very quickly but safely, whilst exciting me with lovely noises from the engine and handles exceptionally well? You guessed right, I press a button.

I wish children were the same, but sadly that isn’t the case. I wouldn’t have changed my life plans if you could press a button to make a child laugh, smile and sleep. Judging by my tone, you can conclude for yourself that the new Audi TT is a brilliant car indeed. A 5.3 second 0-100 km/h time if you have the budget for the 2.0l turbo Quattro I drove and a 6.0 litre/100 km combined fuel cycle. Sounds good doesn’t it? What’s even better is that you can use that performance around corners in a way that brings great joy to you, something that some four wheel drive systems don’t get quite right. It’s not all about the speed though, it’s about the experience. Sitting in the new Audi TT is a good experience, the outgoing model made you feel claustrophobic whilst this new one creates an intimate yet spacious feeling in it, mind you I am 5 foot 7 inches. The new Audi TT makes you feel like it’s all about you, even the boot space, it’s not huge but it’s big enough to put all YOUR stuff in.

Lastly the other reason why I can’t have kids is because the TT I drove was packed full with all the optional specifications, and that’s how I would want mine. That means I would have to part with almost R650 000 before the options. Which means I would have to choose between school fees and monthly car payments. Thinking about it now, children are amazing, you can’t describe how they can make you feel. I’m sure if I plan things correctly now…I will be able to make time for my friends kids to visit occasionally.